I Woke

A profound truth. Inspired by Macrina Wiederkehr's poem Pilgrim of the Hours.

Photo by Sapan Patel on Unsplash

I woke up for the first time today when it was still dark. It was 1:20am. I woke up for the second time today. It was 6am. I rose, turned off my alarm, started the coffee, and greeted my garden. The plants are always so happy to see me. They know I’m here to chat, check how they’re doing, and care for their needs.

It’s a beautiful relationship of reciprocity that we have. My garden and I are here for each other, and we couldn’t be here without the other. I created a loving home for my plants to the best of my ability. I nurture and feed them with water and life-sustaining nutrients.

I woke for the third time today—this time with a moment of pure clarity. This came to mind: I had struggled to give my garden what it needed in the past. While I did my best to create a home for my plants, I didn’t have the energy to give them the care they needed. I was struggling to give myself the care I needed. I didn’t have the capacity at that time to give to another being. 

Photo by Chad Stembridge on Unsplash

Giving to my family and the little bit that I gave to myself was really the most I could do at the time. So it’s no wonder that my garden suffered.

It’s also no wonder that this is the year that I finally have the capacity to give my garden what it needs to thrive. I have readjusted my ideas on how much my family needs from me, and I have rethought how much my 9-5 needs from me, and I have reclaimed this focus for myself. So often, it feels selfish. I’ve understood, intellectually, that one must give to oneself first before giving to others, and I thought I had been doing that. But I now see how what I was doing was not truly what was being recommended to me. I gave myself breaks - only when I had become desperate for them when I had hit a near-breaking point. This is reactionary, not preventative. While this is a form of self-care that is important and many don’t give themselves, I’ve now personally experienced how engaging in truly nurturing self-care must be preventative - BEFORE I get anywhere near my breaking point. Looking back, this is not surprising, if I’m to be a bit harsh, it’s almost even obvious. Why did it take me so long to realize this? As Erica Djossa talks about in her book, Releasing the Motherload, societal norms and expectations drove me and countless others to the breaking point over and over. 

I’ve finally stood up for myself and said, screw it. This is not how my life needs to be. This is why I’m here now, telling you about how I’ve started talking to my plants. A mere year or two ago, if I were talking to my present self, I would have said I was nuts to be talking to my plants. That there’s no way that there’s any value to that. I’d have been dismissive and referred to it as being scientifically impossible. I wouldn’t have taken the time to look for new information to challenge old beliefs. 

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

All of this is to say that my winding journey over the past couple of years has led me to this profound truth: real self-care is invaluable. And real self-care happens before you feel like you’re about to break. But please, it’s important to know that you and I need not judge ourselves for taking the more reactive approach. It’s the only thing we’ve ever been taught. Most of the time, when people are talking about self-care, they’re trying to sell you something. True self-care costs nothing and is preventative. It is not over-indulgent or selfish to rest, have fun, and practice self-care before a breaking point is anywhere in sight.

I don’t venture to assume that I can change the world by suggesting that you engage in preventative self-care. But if I can help even one person find the release and relief that I’ve found, then I’ve made a huge effect on that person’s life, and that is something to be proud of. And who knows, maybe that person will change the world.

I wonder if this resonates for you.